Journal Entry, January 7, 2019.
Workout: Couch-to-5K, week 2, workout 1
Playlist: Untitled (12 songs, 48 minutes):
Photograph by Ed Sheeran
You Say by Lauren Daigle
Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
Broken by lovelytheband
What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction
Don’t Forget Where You Belong by One Direction
Midnight Memories by One Direction
If I could Fly by One Direction
Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran
Perfect by Ed Sheeran
All of Me by John Legend
Stand By You by Rachel Platten
Questions to ask myself:
1. What am I trying to lose?
2. What do I want to find?
Keeping a journal has been something that has fallen off my radar in recent years. I used to keep up this blog that served as a sort of journal, but then something happened and I lost my motivation to continue it.
As I read the reflection this morning for the "30 days of The Little Way" something stuck out to me (that I am sure was intentional):
“…here comes your FIRST hard training lesson. A better version of yourself is NOT going to satisfy. If you make this training all about YOU getting what YOU want, it’s sure to lose steam and fall apart.”
Oi. I’m certain this has always been my problem. Growing up with the challenges I did, I often mistook this notion that everything was up to ME. As a child, I learned that I could not rely on my parents for help or guidance and being one of the older siblings, I also didn’t have a big sister I could lean on. I have a big brother, but just like me, he was having to rely on himself since we could not rely on parents, so the both of us were just treading water, so to speak.
I’ve always been a hard worker. I would bet you that somewhere in my subconscious was the thought that I would out-work everyone, every day, and I would out-work them by so much that there would be no doubt who the hardest worker was. This is a part of my soul. This is something I will never outgrow. But perhaps what I need to do is release myself from this pressure and rely on God more, rely on my family more. (My word for 2019 is “RELEASE” by the way.)
God gave me this gift of a strong work ethic, however, so He must have a reason for it. He must expect me to use it some way, somehow, to bring Him glory. So I guess what I want to lose right now (besides weight – always trying to lose weight, lol) is some pride in myself. And I want to find some understanding and true commitment to the belief that this ability to work, this ability to identify the important work that needs to be done, and my ability to efficiently and effectively go about that work has been given to me by God and start understanding what more He wants from me with these abilities.
So, there are my answers:
- What am I trying to lose? (Some pride, to release some pressure on myself that everything is depending on me.)
- What do I want to find? (A higher purpose for this huge gift I have been given – the ability to identify work to be done, the ability to put my “nose-to-the-grindstone” and effectively complete it – where is a better place to focus this energy?)