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February 6, 2013

February Funk

It's February, you guys. And I am in a serious funk.

Last weekend, I was having those horrible insecure thoughts that some of the moms I've become friends with really don't like me that much.  I mean, literally, I was feeling very alone.  And that is a strange feeling when I'm amongst so many people and chaos on a daily basis.

This happens at times.  And truth be told, I am alone in a lot of what I do.  I work outside the home -- full time!!! -- and I'm a Catholic mom to six at a parish where most moms with more than four kids are SAHMs and don't have their babies in daycare and don't miss the field trips and the class parties and all that stuff.  Every day, I work among many women who simply think I'm crazy (or maybe they think that I really don't know any better) for welcoming children into my already full marriage and household.  One woman I work with openly discusses taking her daughter in for her "depo shot" and I cringe a little inside, but maintain an understanding facade to the outside.  Another woman continues to tell me all about her friends who have 13 children, "and they all turned out great, went to college and everything!" as though it was a particular triumph not normally afforded to a large family.  Sometimes I wonder if I am the current freak show that everyone kind of discusses as it passes through town and points and giggles as I leave.

Lots of interaction -- yet lots of loneliness. I live among this great expanse of secular culture living my life in a very non-secular way.  People are confused by me.  I am confused by people.

I worry that my funk rubs off on my kids in their interactions.  Sarah's getting to this age of lots of social opportunities and she has a mom who is wary of allowing some of that.  Dani wants to go and do things with her friends, too, but is often stuck because we have commitments for other kids.  Then when my kids don't get to attend fun activities, I blame myself for helping to create this environment where they have to sacrifice. While I know it's good for them to experience sacrifice once in awhile, it is hard to know they have to do so. Much is made in our culture of having our children NOT have to suffer and sacrifice while children. "They should be kids!" the conventional wisdom goes.

And then, I look at my growing belly understanding that I'm tacking on many more years of sacrifice to my own life.  And I feel tired. I feel worn down at times. There is a part of me that wants to run, screaming "for the hills" and do what I want to do when I want to do it. I love my family, I do! I'm blessed and I'm grateful. But, I am not as holy as I ought to be and I wish far too often that the "cup be taken from me" and I don't follow it up with, "but Thy will be done, not mine."  Because, you know...life would be so much easier....

So, I'm completely rambling and have probably lost track of what I am trying to say at this point.  I'm feeling "done" being pregnant and it's really just starting.  I'm feeling "done" with my job and pining for something mundane, something with no major responsibility, but I know I need the paycheck that comes with the job I have now.  And who am I kidding?  I do really like my job, it's just this funk I'm in right now.

Hopefully I snap out of it soon and start to see the things I do in a joyful light.



 

6 comments:

  1. I often feel lonely as well, Michelle. And I already feel that isolating feeling from other SAHM Catholic mommies... and I haven't even remotely begun to enter the workforce yet.

    February sucks. I just think we're OVER this cold blah weather and need some sunshine!

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  2. I know what you mean about being "done" being pregnant and only just beginning. I'm 16 weeks along and this is already the hardest pregnancy. Probably because I have three babies three and under.

    Hope it gets better soon. February I think is so tough because the sun is out but still so cold and it teases us with the perks of spring.

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  3. Hi michelle, I wrote the longest comment ever last night, and somehow it didn't make it. Anyway..hang in there! You are probably not disliked, but rather misunderstood. I am so there with you. The "Catholic Full Time Working Outside The Home" thing makes the soul weary at times. Everyday I have to endure comments like "Oh..wow..I bet you are so glad you get to come here for some sanity" (As if getting away from my kids is something we LIKE!!! NOT!) And then on the other side you hear about how staying at home with their children was the best decision that they ever made...etc. (And I'm the same age as you...so trust me, I get the tired body thing. It's not easy being pregnant, working full time, mothering, 40 right around the corner...) There but for the grace of God go I. I have no good answers, but John 15 strikes a cord this morning... "when the world hates you" ...go to John 15 for some empathy. God Bless You, Michelle! I wish you were my boss!

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  4. Hopefully, the comments received remind you aren't alone! I think the anxiousness and questioning about your decisions, even when you KNOW they are right for you can be normal.

    Some people don't like to talk about the devil but I truly believe he finds and exploits our insecurities because he knows that's where we are most vulnerable. You are on God's plan. Don't forget that.

    As Jesus said in John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." Claim the Peace He promises, Michelle, and keep claiming it every day!

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  5. I'm there with you!
    Just had our fifth baby in August. Oldest is 9.
    I've felt selfishness this time around. We didn't tell the inlaws about this one until about 6weeks before she was due. (They're not real accepting of big family idea)
    I was super tired this time, and starting to look at younger singles thinking it would be nice for "me" time that i never seem to get.
    I struggle with the thought of our two oldest growing up and we haven't taught them all they need to know, esp. bout the Faith because we're so busy with the younger three.
    I work FTOTH, too. We can't do it otherwise. Kids are in public. :( oh how i wish they could be in a good Catholic school.
    I get down oftentimes too.
    I think we need to quickly remember Every time we have negative thoughts that we need to rebuke them and remind ourselves of a sacred scripture to pull from our heart and put in our head to remind us of God's truth forus.
    Since we are battling powers and principalities of darkness. Maybe even say a St. Michael prayer.

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  6. I just missed a class party last night because I was scheduled to work, made me sad. And I only have one in school! I can't imagine how interesting this is going to get when I have all 4 of them having class parties. I second all the other comments on february, these last month or so has just been crawling at a snails pace. :/

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Thank you for reading. I enjoy reading other perspectives, please feel free to share yours. :)