Today is the beginning of Lent. I have spent the better part of last night and into this morning thinking about where I am spiritually right now. I think part of my Funk has to do with the fact that I’m kind of in a spiritual dry spell or something.
I was remembering how on fire I was for awhile. I mean, my reversion happened 12 years ago and I went pretty hot and heavy on it…reading everything, praying, daily Mass for long periods of time. I kind of sputtered after I had Dominic. I went through a prolonged bout of post-partum depression and I haven’t ever regained my mojo.
Sure, there have been spurts where I get back into things. Become a bit more activist-like in my faith…get all fired up about the HHS Mandate and the persecution of sorts of Catholics in this country. There was the Fortnight for Freedom last year. But all in all, I’ve just not been feeling it. I used to make time for my rosary and prayer…and now, I focus much more on my fatty mc-fatness and wallow in my pitiful self.
So, as Lent begins…I realize that maybe I’m in a really good place for Lent to begin this time. I’m not flying on some spiritual high where I have been an evangelizing fool, or preparing one of my children for Sacraments this year (that always provides a little boost). I’m just…flat, dry, BLAH. It’s like I’m all bare bones this time around. And maybe that is where I need to be.
When I attended Mass this morning and approached Father to get my mark of ashes on my forehead – and I heard the words, “Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return” it was as if I heard exactly what I needed to hear right at this moment that Lent begins. I am dust. I am empty. I am nothing without God and all his gifts. I feel empty spiritually and maybe that is my call to fill myself, just a little bit every day. I have been called to drop to my knees at the foot of this spiritual hill I am about to climb for 40 days and begin a slow crawl to the foot of the cross on Calvary. I’m not physically crying, but I feel the tears of loneliness in my heart and I feel called to shed them at His feet.
I’m not sure how I will complete this crawl. To be honest, my Lenten reflection and preparation hasn’t gone much beyond ensuring I fast today and abstain from meat. I just haven’t been able to think much further than that this year. I know that failure to plan is planning to fail and if I’m not careful, I’ll get going through these 40- days not making any sacrifices and not making any progress. But I can’t get past the fact that I haven’t been able to think much further than Ash Wednesday yet and that maybe I can only promise myself that I’ll try to think through tomorrow when the time comes. Perhaps the only thing I can manage this year is doing Lent one day at a time. That’s been my mantra lately…just get through today and worry about tomorrow when I get up. Maybe that is how I will have a successful Lent…make a point each morning to decide what my sacrifice will be that day.
What will I do for Lent? What will I do to grow closer to Christ, to unite my sufferings to His Cross, to embrace this life He has granted me?
Today, I am fasting and abstaining from meat and getting through today.
Check back with me tomorrow, to see what the Lord has in store for me then.