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March 15, 2013

7 Quick Takes - 44 (First-Times-Edition)




--- 1 ---

It's the first time we've had a Pope named Francis.  I am really excited about our new Pope.  I would be excited about any Pope, I know, but I think it's so very awesome that he took the name of Francis.  I am floored that we haven't had a Francis before.  It seems like a perfect name for a Pope.  But maybe we haven't had one before because it's the perfect name for THIS Pope.  It was emotional to learn of his election and then wait to meet him on T.V. Wednesday.  Oh, who am I kidding...everything is emotional for me these days.  It brought me a feeling of peace to learn the name he chose.

--- 2 ---

Wednesday was my first day back to work.  I walked in.  My chest got heavy, I needed deep breaths and I wanted to walk right back out.  I didn't know how to prepare myself to go to work, and so...it hurt my heart to be there, not pregnant, seeing everyone and everything I had seen for the last time not knowing that Gregory had died.  I entered my office and put my things down and just walked out around the perimeter of my floor, breathing deeply, tearing up a little, telling myself, "I have to go back to work sometime.  It's never going to be easy.  Just get through today."  I fought back the tears at that point.  I grabbed my rosary and wrapped it around my wrist and held onto the Crucifix for dear life.
About an hour later, I was reading e-mails, catching up, and I came to two that had February 28th and 12:17 and 12:35 on them.  My ultrasound started on February 28th, scheduled for 12:15 and it was over by 12:35 and my heart was broken.  So, I got up and started walking.  I wasn't sure where I was going, but I needed to find some place where I could cry.  I walked up the two flights of stairs to a spot where there are chairs where people sometimes go to take personal phone calls.  I sat there for awhile, letting some tears out, but mostly trying to contain them.  After that I asked if it was all right if I left early and my boss was so understanding and said "Absolutely", so, I made it through the rest of the day (stopping to go and watch our Holy Father's first blessing).


--- 3 ---

I went to Confession for the first time since Gregory died on Wednesday.  It was weird and I hope to write more clearly about it.  But, I hadn't been since December 4 and it is Lent so I knew I needed to go.  While I hadn't spent much time in the past two weeks sinning, I had stuff I just knew I needed to confess from before that time.  But, when life changes so dramatically, so quickly and so traumatically, it's hard to remember.  I think that is why I had always gone to confession right before going in for inductions with my other children.  It just seemed right to labor and deliver with a clear conscience and a pure soul.  Confessing wasn't really on my mind before we went into the hospital to deliver Gregory, though. 
--- 4 ---

I actually made it through a Rosary for the first time since Gregory died on Wednesday.  When I packed before we went to the hospital to deliver him, I packed my Bible, my Shorter Christian Prayer book and my Rosary.  I tried a few times to pray, and even though I know all the words to all the prayers of the Rosary, they just wouldn't come.  On Wednesday, when I left work, I went straight to Church and pulled out my Rosary.  I cried heavily, but made it through the Glorious mysteries.  I even made it through a prayer to St. Michael the Archangel, too.  In hindsight, I think I really really needed that prayer and the fact that I prayed it is probably what helped me get to confession a little bit later. 


--- 5 ---

Tuesday was the first time I ever read Wisdom, Chapter 4.  On recommendation of my doctor (yes, I know that's so cool :) ) I picked up my Bible and turned to the Book of Wisdom and found Chapter 4.  The first part was a bit difficult to read, but then, the heading of "On Early Death" appeared right before verse 7.  Here are verses 7-15:

"But the just man, though he die early, shall be at rest. For the age that is honorable comes not with the passing of time, nor can it be measured in terms of years. Rather, understanding is the hoary crown for men, and an unsullied life, the attainment of old age. He who pleased God was loved; he who lived among sinners was transported--- Snatched away, lest wickedness pervert his mind or deceit beguile his soul; For the witchery of paltry things obscures what is right and the whirl of desire transforms the innocent mind.  Having become perfect in a short while, he reached the fullness of a long career; for his soul was pleasing to the LORD, therefore he sped him out of the midst of wickedness. But the people saw and did not understand, nor did they take this into account."

The parts that look like this are the parts that continue to repeat in my brain.


--- 6 ---

I wrote my first thank you note. Well, it is really a letter.  It turned into four pages. It's to my doctor. You know, I always think I should write and thank him for everything after I've had a baby, but that's about all I've ever done...think about it.  Yesterday, I sat down with my pen and my paper and I wrote him every bit of thanks that I thought I owed him. I felt the need to thank him for sharing in our sorrow as well as our joy in our lives. I can't imagine going through pregnancy, birth and...now (sadly), a loss of a child without him.

--- 7---

This is my first time writing Quick Takes since we lost Gregory.  I'm trying to get back into some semblance of a routine.  About the only thing that is routine so far is that every time I do something for the first time since we lost Gregory -- doesn't matter how mundane or how big time it is -- it is hard. So. Incredibly. Hard.  As much as my life changed the minute my children have been born, my life changed that much, and then some, the day we lost Gregory.

I am linking up with Jennifer Fulwiler at Conversion Diary today.

 

5 comments:

  1. I'm glad to see you taking the plunge and re-entering your ordinary life. I don't have words of wisdom, but I have been thinking of you often and lifting up prayers on your behalf.

    And I couldn't believe we'd never had a "Francis" either...and I love the choice too.

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  2. Your seventh quick take is especially poignant; every this IS truly a "first" after the loss of a child. People on the outside may never understand if they haven't been through it themselves, but your life is truly different now. It's ok for that to be hard.

    Please know that I am praying for you, long after you think we've all stopped, because I know this grief goes on and on.

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  3. You are doing so well, beautiful, strong Mama. :)

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  4. Remembering you in my prayers everyday... The Wisdom passage you shared with us is really beautiful.

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  5. I am sorry that the first day at work was so hard. Praying as you continue to walk through this!

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Thank you for reading. I enjoy reading other perspectives, please feel free to share yours. :)