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March 12, 2013

And Then It Was Nothing

The ultrasound was uneventful, in more ways than one.

First of all, as I drove there, I remembered how difficult it was to go see my Doctor last Friday and how I suddenly was overcome and began crying while I was checking in and then cried more as I was walked back to a room to wait.  So, I gave myself a pep talk, of sorts.  I was going back to the same place where I had been when I found out Gregory had passed away.  I told myself, "It's okay.  It's just an ultrasound and it's just a building.  Try to keep it together."  Rebecca texted me just before I was going in that she was praying for me, and I'm so glad she was.

I went through registration and then, the technician came out to get me...and...it was the same guy who had verified for the girl doing my ultrasound that she was not seeing heart movement.  I just took a deep breath when I saw him and reminded myself that this procedure will be quick, no need to worry about it too much, no tears...

So, it was uneventful initially in the fact that I was able to get out of there with no tears.  I decided I won on that front.

When my doctor called with the results, it was pretty much inconclusive.  There was something they saw that couldn't be ruled out as a piece of placenta.  But they noted that, "It could be a fibroid."  Well.  Okay then.  So, based on his confidence that I had indeed passed the placenta very quickly after delivering Gregory, he thought everything was probably fine and the bleeding I experienced was probably within the "normal" range.  He consulted with another doctor and advised that I should take an antibiotic as a precautionary measure and told me that I should expect spontaneous bleeding episodes like the one I had Sunday over the next 10-14 days.  

And I got a return to work date of tomorrow.

Finally, before getting off the phone, he offered me some spiritual healing by recommending that I read Chapter 4 of the Book of Wisdom.  I haven't done that yet.  But I will.  I had school board meeting last night and then was getting kids in bed, etc.  But I will grab my Bible sometime today and read that.

It's interesting.  When I packed for the hospital, I took along my Bible and my "Shorter Christian Prayer" book.  Here's the thing about not being an avid Bible reader, or someone who knows passages by heart, etc:  I may have had my Bible, but I would never have known where to look in the Bible for anything that could help me.  

In that vein, how grateful I am to my doctor!  I haven't even read it yet, but I know it will help me.  Just the fact that he shares my Catholic faith and seems to have a strong faith life himself has made me feel better.  Truly...another blessing for which I am so very grateful.

I plan to run a few errands today and get myself in the right frame of mind to return to work tomorrow.  I plan to pick up some stationery and a few particular Thank-You cards.  I have many people to thank for their love, kindness, generosity, support and compassion over the past two weeks.

I had a pretty good day emotionally  yesterday even with everything going on.  My children continue to be a source of immense joy for me that help me process and understand Gregory's role in our family.  My husband continues to be a huge source of strength for me as I wade through this grief.  There are more days coming that will be hard, I know.  One will happen in the next week, when the cemetery sends us information on ordering a marker for Gregory's grave.  There will be another week anniversary to ponder in just a couple of days.  At some point, I know I will mark the time in months, and then finally in years.  It's strange, I've noticed that sometimes women focus on the due date of their baby as a sort of milestone or marker.  Perhaps I will, too.  I'm not sure.  Right now, March 1st is the day I will always remember my precious Gregory, I think.  But, who knows?  The due date hasn't approached yet, so I don't know how I'll feel then.

Vincent started wanting me again.  A few months back he kind of got a "Daddy Crush" and would only want Craig to hold him or to play with him or comfort him.  In the last week, he has reverted to wanting me more, and that has been very helpful.  Although, as we walked into the daycare today, he insisted I put him down and he walk himself up to the door.  He's been taking his pants off and putting his socks on.  And, he's been showing signs of potty-training readiness.  And, it hits me -- that he is growing and maturing and will no longer be a "baby" with diapers and such in a fairly short time.  I'm not sure how that is going to hit me.  It's been so long since we have lived without a baby in the house or on the way.  

Thank you all for the kind words you have sent me through comments, or facebook messages, or texts, or e-mail.  I do want you to know how helpful it has been.  Our family has been lifted up in prayer to heights I have never been aware of before, and I know that is why we are where we are emotionally and physically.  So, thank you for all of your caring and your compassion.  It has helped to bring grace and peace to our lives at a time when those two things have been so necessary.



 

7 comments:

  1. Jim and I have both been keeping you in our daily prayers. You are so strong. That is so nice that your doctor and you share your faith!

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  2. Continued prayers, hope tomorrow goes smoothly.

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  3. Today is Gregory's saint's day. I'm not sure if you know that already...the only reason I know that is because today is my birthday. I'll be praying for you all, and to your little saint.

    Good luck tomorrow.

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  4. Always praying for you guys - I haven't commented on the other posts because anything I think of saying sounds so paltry, but please know you continue to be in our prayers!

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  5. I am so impressed that your dr was able to offer you a chapter of the Bible to read! What a wonderful doctor! I will be continuing to pray for you and your family!

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  6. Ditto to the above comment: yay for Catholic doctors! Praying for you today in my morning intentions.

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  7. When I miscarried, I was seeing the same doc you do, and I was so touched at his suggestion of reading Wisdom ch.4. I had never expected to hear that from my doctor. I even kept the piece of paper he wrote it on. Thinking of you.

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Thank you for reading. I enjoy reading other perspectives, please feel free to share yours. :)