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March 18, 2013

Dull Focus


How is it possible to love you so much
When I never saw you smile, or heard your sweet cry?
I never even felt you move,
Or felt your hand wrapped around my finger.

There are so many things I miss about you already...
I miss the snuggles I'll never get from your face on my chest.
I miss the cries that won't wake me in the middle of the night.
I miss saying, "Bless the baby!" because I'll never hear your baby sneezes.
I miss the giggles and the laughter you'd surely share with your brothers and sisters.

Sometimes the tears just well up in my eyes.
And I don't want to stop them.
Not that I could.

Sometimes I just sigh...for no reason...take a huge breath and...
Let it out.

Sometimes I am irritated by everyone because I can't just sit still and miss you.

Most of the time, I am sad.  Just so very sad.

The books I read tell me someday the sadness will lessen.  
But right now, I don't know how that can be.  
I put on a smile and I face each day.

I put one foot in front of the other.
It's been my mantra for so many years now,

And only now, since I lost you, my son,
Does my heart understand how truly difficult that can be.



 

2 comments:

  1. Every single one of your words could have been my exact words. They are still my exact words, because while peace comes slowly, and the raw, stabbing pain subsides, the hole in your heart never fully closes--only our Lord can have a chance at filling it. Just last night I cried for RG, and remembered vividly the pain of those first few weeks.

    You are right to put one foot in front of the other. Just keep walking. Keep getting up. I remember thinking, in those days, "I must get up and keep walking, because the Lord fell three times and still continued on toward my salvation."

    May the Lord walk with you today. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have no words, but praying for you!

    ReplyDelete

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