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April 9, 2013

Life Goes On

My 2-week work vacation is over. I went back to work yesterday.

The kids spring break ended and they went back to school yesterday.  

Craig's schedule started again Saturday.

Saturday was full of activities like ballet, swim practice and guitar lessons. Sunday held another volleyball tournament for Sarah.

I know this is a good thing, but it feels so odd. Over the weekend, I realized I was ready to go back to work. I didn't think I'd feel ready to cry at the drop of a hat. There's a part of me that wants to hold on to the sadness, but yet, I can feel it starting to slowly chip away. The past two mornings, as I ran, I prayed the rosary and at the end of all my prayers, I was able to say a few words to my Gregory, too. It's been odd to think about having a child in heaven. The idea makes sense to me that he can intercede for us and everything, but I just hadn't had it in me. And even now, I think my attempts are a bit hollow, but -- they are attempts. 

I think as the sadness starts to go and I get fearful that I will lose my connection, that talking -- just a few words -- to my baby boy might help me to understand how I can still have a relationship with him. How I can ask him to pray for me, for our family. If I can maintain this awareness and this connection, without the sadness, I might be able to help my other children to have a connection with Gregory, too.

Last week as we waited for the fireworks outside the castle in Magic Kingdom, we struck up conversation. As we talked, Dominic said, "I miss my brother." And I replied, "Yes, I miss Vincent, too. But I bet he is having fun with Grandma." and Dominic said, "Yeah. I miss my other brother, Gregory, too." 

Dominic will regularly ask to see Gregory on my Mother's Ring. He likes to point out all the children on the ring by pointing to their birth stones. It's hit me that Dominic is old enough that he will remember this sadness in our house that we've had over the past 6 weeks. It has already impacted him and he might need the connection to Gregory that I think of between siblings.

So, life has moved on. My heart is still heavy, but I can feel the burden lifting a bit -- at least outside of Mass. Mass is still difficult and it may be for awhile. I've decided to accept it for what it is. I'm trying to find joy in this Easter season and trying to be positive, even if it feels like a stretch. I figure that's the only way to go at this point. The toughest part is reminding myself that I am not forgetting Gregory by moving on with life. It feels like I should mourn forever...and I suppose I will in some fashion. Or is that supposed to turn to rejoicing at some point that he is in the presence of our Lord and held in the arms of our Blessed Mother? I don't know. As life continues, I guess I will figure it out.

#1-4 on Easter Sunday

And #5 -- Sweet Vincent
 

4 comments:

  1. I know that internal conflict well, Michelle. The one that says, "if you let yourself be happy again, it means you're forgetting him." But it's not true. You will never forget. You don't ever have to lose your connection to Gregory. His life is simply ingrained in your motherhood, and therefore, your life. He will forever be a part of your family, as Dominic intuitively knows.

    The thing is, we CAN feel these things simultaneously, even though our brains don't like it. We can rejoice that he is in heaven with the Lord, and we can still mourn him everyday, all at the same time. Part of your mourning is your longing to be in Heaven, with him, and that is what Jesus desires, too.

    It's been nine months for me, since RG died, and I still mourn the fact that he isn't here. I still think about how I want to wrap him up in a blanket and bring him home with me, where he belongs. Don't worry about forgetting him. You won't.

    However, while I mourn, I make plans to rejoice, and to keep his memory alive in our hearts. I am going to make an angel food cake on his anniversary, and we are going to love him, pray with him, and know that he is real.

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  2. I'm glad the burden is lifting a little for now, although as a very wise friend (Rebecca) recently reminded me, this stuff is not a linear process. Still praying for you and your family.

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  3. It makes me happy to read these words. Not that the sadness still resides, but that you're feeling better, that the idea of work wasn't so bad after vacation.

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Thank you for reading. I enjoy reading other perspectives, please feel free to share yours. :)