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July 1, 2013

4 months...

Time marches on, right? Today, I went about the regular schedule for a Monday, other than I didn't have the energy to run this morning.

Honestly, it didn't hit me that it had been 4 months since I lost my precious boy, Gregory, until about 8:30 a.m. I had already gotten up, cooked breakfast and prepared my lunch, gotten Vincent up and dressed and off to daycare and arrived at work -- all smiles with my "Good morning" as I walked to my office. But once it hit me, the awareness permeated everything the rest of the day.

No time for tears on the first business day of the month. The day following a quarter-end. There were monthly stats to pull, metrics to report, and with it being a new quarter, associate feedback to prepare. At lunch, a co-manager joined me at my table. He asked, "Are you reading?" and I said, "Nope...just playing Candy Crush. Have a seat." And we talked about our teams, we talked about neighborhoods, houses, previous jobs, management philosophies, drama queens... 

Then the afternoon flew by and it was time to go to Crossfit. I will say, I completely lost myself in my workout today and I think that's a good thing. I was in a zone. And I think the reason for that was because I was putting off these tears...these tears that come now that I'm sitting at home, all cleaned up awaiting the return of Craig and the kids from Sarah's volleyball game.

And again, I'm thinking of why I cry. I miss my baby. I miss what my life was going to be like with him in it. I miss my family that I was going to have. I miss the discussions about whether we really can just take two vehicles everywhere the whole family goes (since our minivan only seats 7). 

Vincent turned 2 on Sunday. We plan to assemble our bunk beds for the boys' room and the crib will be disassembled soon. The changing table will be put away in the next few months as we get Vincent toilet-trained. Vincent is now going to sleep all on his own and staying asleep all night long. And there's a part of me that knows this would have happened most likely even if a new little person was still on his way to join our family. It was one of the things I worried about while still pregnant with Gregory -- would I end up having 2 babies up in the night? But Vincent has grown up so much in the past four months...and he's well on his way out of the "baby" stages.

I was not prepared for how emotional Vincent's 2nd birthday would be. I was pleased that we were able to have a Mass said for Vincent on his birthday, but as I prayed before Mass started, the tears started and I couldn't stop them. I thought about all the Masses that have been said for Gregory in the past 4 months, and the fact that I'll never get to celebrate Gregory's 2nd birthday with him.

I try so hard to move past all this and to forget all about the material things I will miss out on because Gregory is in Heaven. And for the most part, I think I do alright. But it's in the immaterial that I find the most pain. The relationship with Gregory will be so different because I can't talk to him or see him or hold him. I think of the way my other children hug me and love on me and tell me, "You're the best mom ever!" And I'll never hear those sweet words from Gregory.

Gosh, I don't think I'm even making sense anymore so I will wrap this up. But...my sweet baby boy...I miss you so much. I miss everything we were going to do together, everything we were going to say to each other, every kiss, every embrace...I miss it all.

Right now, the fact that I may see you in Heaven someday is just really not the comfort that I think it's supposed to be. I know someday it may very well comfort me, but today...this moment...I just want to feel you jumping around in my tummy and getting ready to be born in 4 weeks. That's what I want. 

And that's not going to happen. 

So, please keep praying for your momma. Please ask God to send down some comfort today and in the next few weeks.

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5 comments:

  1. Beautiful and heartbreaking. You make me cry! Prayers, Michelle.

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  2. I'm right here with you, M. This is so hard. My prayers are with you. May Jesus fill your heart with His peace.

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  3. Praying for you and all mothers whose hearts are breaking for their little ones tonight!

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  4. I read this on the 1st and wanted to have the "right" words to say.

    I still don't have them, but I wanted to you to know I love you and I'm praying for you - every day, but especially on the 1st of each month.

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