Last week, I ran a half marathon with Rebecca in Mahomet, IL. It was a lovely weekend. I really needed the time with her. It's crazy how much we have in common and we continue to find so many similarities in our upbringing. It often amazes me how she and I have this relationship where we talk about things like we've known each other all our lives. I don't know if she feels that way, but I thought about it on the drive home Sunday. It's not JUST like when I get together with a sister, of course, but it's really darn close. And, I see a lot of myself in her with her journey. I admire the way she has handled her challenges in life, knowing that I would have a really hard time handling it as well as she has.
|Arriving to the area|
|Before the race!|
Anyway, now that I've run that race, I am not as motivated to get my miles in it seems. I had a hard time getting out of bed this week. But, I got a walk in with a friend this morning and a run with Dani and then a little half mile jaunt in with Dominic. So maybe I'll get going again.
School started this week. I am glad we are back to the school routine. There's something about getting everyone up and out of the house for the day that feels....cleansing or something. There's something about missing my kids in the evening because they are busy in an activity or doing their homework that feels strangely -- right.
|My school kids on the first day|
I still feel like we have a gap, with Gregory gone. Although, to be honest, it's gotten MUCH better since the due date passed. I've even thought that I feel good enough to stop counseling. I'm not crying at EVERY Mass, though, last week as a lovely family with four boys sat in front of Rebecca and me at Mass, one of them seemed so much like Vincent and there was a baby the mom was wearing and it reminded me of what I don't have right now. So the tears came then as I thought about my empty arms and the hole in our family where Gregory would have been.
Sometimes I wonder ... will that hole be there, even if we were to be blessed with another baby? I guess I'll only know if that happens. Obviously, there's no replacing Gregory. I get that. But I wonder how my feelings about everything would be different if we had another baby or if we never had another baby. Of course, it's up to God and our discernment as far as that goes, but it's something I've thought about over the past few months. It's kind of like my questions before about how I might know our family was complete? and is "complete" a moving target? I know these are the sorts of questions that I am left to ponder with Craig and with God, so writing them here is mostly a rhetorical exercise. But perhaps it's at the root of why I have had a block recently in my ability to write anything.
|Dani holding my nephew, Gunnar|
A couple of weeks ago, I was having a twitter chat with several folks (using hashtag #nfptalk) when I realized there are a few posts left unwritten with regard to NFP as far as I am concerned and I'd like to share that. But, the concepts remain spread out all over my brain with no order to them, so they remain unwritten.
Sometimes a little blog break is necessary. I think I've come to accept that this blog, while read by a decent-sized audience, will probably never be like some of the blogs I really admire (Conversion Diary, Moxie Wife, Camp Patton, Shoved to Them, to name a few). So, it's really not that big a deal if I go a few weeks with little to no action around here.
I do want a new design though. About two weeks before we lost Gregory, I had reached out to Kelsey about that, but then everything happened and it completely fell off the radar. So, while I'm at it -- anyone have any opinions on Blogger vs. WordPress? Or Design recommendations? And...I'd really love to figure out how to do it myself instead of paying someone, but when I tried that before, I realized it was NOT my strong suit. :)
Okay...time to end the rambling. This post is all over the place!! Perhaps I'll be back on my game and you'll get some Mumbles out of me this week. :)