I'm halfway through this pregnancy and I'm getting impatient to meet you. In just a couple of weeks, I'll find out whether you are a boy or a girl. I have my instincts shouting at me your gender, but I'm reserved as I wait to find out "for sure."
Even now, when you've been growing for 20 weeks and you have 20 weeks (at least) more to grow...I long to know you, yet I feel like I know you already. You're completely dependent on me right now but yet, I feel completely dependent upon knowing you're safe and growing and healthy. I've been so blessed to carry each of my pregnancies to term, but it horrifies me still, to imagine what could go wrong. Pregnancy and childbirth often remind me of my complete and utter reliance on God for everything.
We have already survived a couple of scares in the short time we've known each other. Your daddy was giving me shots in my bum twice a week for about 8 weeks because my body doesn't make enough progesterone to keep things going in the first trimester. But you sure came through in the 2nd trimester! What an elation...a relief!...when I heard the nurse say the levels had jumped up to appropriate levels at my blood test at 15 weeks. And you were hiding that day I went in to the doctor for some minor cramping at 12 weeks. The doctor placed the doppler on my tummy and waited...and searched...and waited...I could tell that all we were hearing was my slow, adult heartbeat. Finally, he removed the doppler and the tears started flowing. Had the Lord taken you from me? When the doctor asked if he could do a pelvic, I quickly agreed...and as he jostled the organs and had his observing physician in training place the doppler back on my tummy...SHEOU-SCHEOU-SCHEOU...my heart and my breath skipped! We had found you! And your heart was beating away. And my tears still flowed, only they were now tears of joy!
You have such a great family waiting to meet you. Your sisters already know what's going to happen in a few months. They get another sibling and they can't wait! They are in love with you already. They pray for you every night in their nightly prayers. They love you so much. Even your big brother now comes and points at my belly and says, "Baby!" Daddy hasn't been able to feel you kick yet, but it's only a matter of time. I can feel you getting bigger and stronger as I feel more kicks and jabs more frequently.
Even though you're my fifth child, the awesome wonder is still there. I remember how I stared and stared at the positive pregnancy test for so long just thinking "wow....wow...wow...WOW." I am amazed at the miracle that takes place. The biological miracle that the timing was perfect and you were conceived. But also the miracle that God CHOSE US again (!!) to receive this supreme gift.
I look at your sisters and brother and I wonder what is in store for us with you? All of you are so unique and lovely...brilliant creations for which I hardly feel worthy to accept. Such responsibility for Daddy and me--responsibility to care for you and to love you...that is the easy part. But the responsibility to raise you to know, love and serve Him who created you...that part is daunting. I'm reminded every day that it rarely matters what I have said to you...in the end, you will watch what I do and you will learn to know, love and serve Christ only if you are able to see those qualities and actions from Daddy and me. And even then...I must pray and trust in God...again.
We have 20 more weeks (at least) to get to know each other this way. Soon, you'll be big enough that I'll be able to pick out a foot, or an elbow...I'll be able to play with you by poking one side of my belly to get you to kick or poke me back. I'll be able to caress your head in my hand as I go to sleep with my hand on my belly.
When you're born and we get to meet face to face, I'll finally see the cheeks that will most likely be there shouting to the world you are your father's child. I'll see if your eyes are blue or if they begin already a deep brown like two of your siblings. Will you cry as you come into this world from your snuggly cocoon (just like your big sisters Dani and Helen and big brother, Dominic)? Or will you simply stare into my eyes quietly (like your oldest sister, Sarah).
Yes, I am anxious to see you face to face, but I'm happy to have you all to myself for another few months. My sweet baby. God has blessed me beyond measure. Again.