Disclaimer: I think I've made it pretty clear before, that I strive to want what God wants for me. However, I'm also human and sometimes I get the urge to say (or write!) something that betrays my human nature and desires. This is one of those times.
I don't want any more children.
At first, I thought I should write, I don't THINK I want any more children. But then I knew...that was not true.
Next I thought that perhaps I should write that I don't want any more children...RIGHT NOW. And that would be more truthful than I don't THINK I want any more children, but it still might not be completely truthful about how I feel.
I don't want any more children. I don't necessarily want to be all that open to more children. I've had five and today I think and feel like that's enough for me. I'm 38 years old, I've been a mother to young children for 11 years now.
Today I feel like I need to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Today I need to know that the need for diapers will end. Today I need to know that there will come a day when I will take all my children to the amusement park with no stroller and we can all stand in line and ride the same ride at the same time. I need to know there will come a day when I can head out for a run and leave the kids at home for 30 minutes (all of them). Or heck, maybe I can bring them all with me and not worry that someone is going to run out in the street unaware of a car coming right at them.
I know, this is some kind of sacrilege, right? I feel like I sound ungrateful.
It sounds harsh. Honestly, if you read my blog very often, it almost sounds like the blog has been hijacked or something. Does it not?
But this is how I feel today.
But today...I hope we're done.
I'm nervous to write this. Ever since Craig and I committed to living our marriage in accordance with the teaching of our faith, we have always remained reluctant to put ourselves in the "we're done" category because...what if? What if we take a chance some cycle down the road and God blesses us with another baby? What if things get confusing and we don't know what's going on and all of a sudden, we find out another baby is on the way? What then?
Well, here's what then...we do what we've always done and we accept that baby and we love that baby and realize that our family wasn't complete until that baby came along.
Today I realize that it is okay if we are done. We're busy. We're crazy and loud and we have a lot of fun. We'll continue to be all of that if our family grows...or it doesn't.
No, I won't abandon NFP and go get anything permanent done and I won't start pumping my body with carcinogenic hormones or buy out the store's supply of barrier contraceptive products.
Something clicked today and I realize life will be okay - life may even be very good - if we continue to feel called to avoid pregnancy for the long haul. Surely there will be days like the one last week when it's hard and annoying and unpredictable. But perhaps there will be many days like today where it's easy to know the course and I am able to start actively looking for that light at the end of the tunnel.