And so, here I am, still at home, trying to rest a bit, maybe get the kitchen cleaned up. When I had planned to be back at work today. I have an ultrasound scheduled for 1:30 p.m. The ultrasound was ordered to ensure I did not retain placenta. My doctor was fairly certain all was good in this arena. But some continued large clots are causing some worry in that department. So, the ultrasound will help us figure out where the clots are coming from.
I remembered this morning as I drove Vincent to the babysitter that I have had Fibroid tumors in the past that have caused excessive bleeding. So, this could be part of that. Fibroids grow quickly with increased hormone levels...so the one I already knew about could be bigger now, or there just could be more of them in my uterus. Obviously, the ultrasound will help us figure that out.
I've filed a short term disability claim through the insurance company so that I don't deplete all my paid time off with all this stuff. And that makes me feel a little less anxious as well. I know that my doctor will approve and give me an appropriate "return to work" date once we get everything figured out.
It is weird. I don't cry all the time now. And for that I am grateful. I have even been able to smile and laugh with my family. My children are so good at helping with that. But, there is still sadness that I can feel almost constantly. The level is usually determined by how much I allow myself to think about it in a given moment. And while it's not all the time, when the urge hits, it is often without warning. I find myself lost as I begin processing emotions and realize that I'm in the company of my children or somewhere else I'd rather not be while I'm crying and grieving.
Attending Mass yesterday was still painful. The Psalm got to me this time. "Taste and see the goodness of the Lord" was difficult. I mean, I know the Lord is good, but right now it's painful. "I will bless the LORD at all time; his praise shall be ever in my mouth" was the part that did it. And I do bless the Lord, still, but I just wish it weren't so darn painful. I am not angry at God. I understand that Gregory had his place and it just happens to be with God for a much longer time that he was with me. But even though I'm not really angry, I am still sad and I miss my baby. And I think that is why I cry.
Receiving Communion is still painful. The separation rears its head nice and ugly right as I pray, "Lord, I am not worthy that You should enter under my roof..." Because, I am sad that I am not worthy to be with our Lord and with Gregory right now. I'm so pleased that Gregory is worthy to be in the presence of our Lord. But I'm so sad that I can't be with Gregory. I'm still here on Earth, working out salvation in fear and trembling, and it's painful. I do hope that someday soon, I can receive our Lord in the Holy Eucharist without tears of sadness and separation running down my face. But for now, it's just a very apparent separation. And what is even odder, is that while I am sad at the separation, I am also comforted in knowing Gregory is where I hope to be at the end of my earthly life.
Something I stumbled upon while looking for some online support...
Sarah got back into her volleyball practice routine with a practice Thursday and then yesterday. Dani was back at her guitar lessons and Helen back at ballet. Dominic has 2 birthday parties to attend in the next few days and Helen has one this weekend, too. Vincent has maintained a schedule so much better than I thought he would, and he's talking more and more and his little personality is really working itself into the fabric of our family right now (I just love 1-year-olds anyway, for that reason).
Yesterday, I went shopping to purchase some clothes that would fit me these next few weeks while I go to work. With previous pregnancies, I had 6-8 or 10-12 weeks to work off some of the pregnancy weight I'd gained. Having only a week -- and a week in which I wasn't really focusing on making healthy eating choices at that -- was not helpful for getting back into some work clothes. I did go back to Weight Watchers on Saturday to get a starting point and begin the process -- before anyone chides me a bit about it, I just knew if I didn't go back to a meeting, I would eat myself into another 10 pounds to lose and I just can't let myself do that.
Craig's has been back to work since Wednesday. I think I will encourage him to get a run in or a workout of some sort soon. I think he would enjoy it, and I would like to see him do that. It just feels like I'm going through the motions of getting everyone back to where we were before February 28 at about 12:15. And I know it's only been 12 days, so I'm not expecting it to all be okay right now. But I just kind of do the routines so that we have something to do. Some kind of normal is better than no kind of normal, from what I have been able to discern.
So, there's a rambl-ey update post for you. We're putting one foot in front of the other -- like we always have. I have a post brewing to discuss just how awesome the support has been for us -- from our parish, our families, our friends, the online/blogosphere and the twitter -- it will be an overwhelming post I think, so I'm thinking it through. I can't imagine going through something like that with anything less than what we've had. But I know it must happen all the time, and that makes me so very sad.
Okay, it's Monday. I need to get myself cleaned up to go to this ultrasound appointment. I am praying it's "just" (haha) the Fibroids and nothing worse than that.