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August 24, 2013

What Now?

All week, I have come to this blog thinking it was time to write something. But then, nothing would come, so I just left it alone. There seems to be something boiling just under the surface right now and I can't figure out what it is. I have the feeling that I want to write something and share something, but I just don't know what it is!

Last week, I ran a half marathon with Rebecca in Mahomet, IL. It was a lovely weekend. I really needed the time with her. It's crazy how much we have in common and we continue to find so many similarities in our upbringing. It often amazes me how she and I have this relationship where we talk about things like we've known each other all our lives. I don't know if she feels that way, but I thought about it on the drive home Sunday. It's not JUST like when I get together with a sister, of course, but it's really darn close. And, I see a lot of myself in her with her journey. I admire the way she has handled her challenges in life, knowing that I would have a really hard time handling it as well as she has.

Arriving to the area
Before the race!
It was really cool that she got a PR in the race. I decided that I really should accept it as a PR for myself, too. Because the last time I had run a half marathon was almost 5 years ago, so I think it counts that I could start over with PR's. :) We walked everywhere throughout the day which helped our muscles recover. We got pedicures, ice cream, went to Mass, I even got to go to confession beforehand!

Anyway, now that I've run that race, I am not as motivated to get my miles in it seems. I had a hard time getting out of bed this week. But, I got a walk in with a friend this morning and a run with Dani and then a little half mile jaunt in with Dominic. So maybe I'll get going again.

School started this week. I am glad we are back to the school routine. There's something about getting everyone up and out of the house for the day that feels....cleansing or something. There's something about missing my kids in the evening because they are busy in an activity or doing their homework that feels strangely -- right.

My school kids on the first day
Maybe it is the aging of our family that occurs every single day. Sarah has continued to mature physically, emotionally, and maybe even spiritually. We don't have big discussions on the meaning of life or anything, but she enjoys adult humor a bit more and she recognizes the wrongs and the rights a bit more readily. Dani and Helen are getting better about keeping their room tidy, taking responsibility for their things and even getting along with each other. Dominic is reading and startles me at times with his ability to start a conversation. Vincent is talking more and although it is very clear he knows what potty-training entails and could be quite successful, he has made it very clear that he will be calling the shots on that.

I still feel like we have a gap, with Gregory gone. Although, to be honest, it's gotten MUCH better since the due date passed. I've even thought that I feel good enough to stop counseling. I'm not crying at EVERY Mass, though, last week as a lovely family with four boys sat in front of Rebecca and me at Mass, one of them seemed so much like Vincent and there was a baby the mom was wearing and it reminded me of what I don't have right now. So the tears came then as I thought about my empty arms and the hole in our family where Gregory would have been.

Sometimes I wonder ... will that hole be there, even if we were to be blessed with another baby? I guess I'll only know if that happens. Obviously, there's no replacing Gregory. I get that. But I wonder how my feelings about everything would be different if we had another baby or if we never had another baby. Of course, it's up to God and our discernment as far as that goes, but it's something I've thought about over the past few months. It's kind of like my questions before about how I might know our family was complete? and is "complete" a moving target? I know these are the sorts of questions that I am left to ponder with Craig and with God, so writing them here is mostly a rhetorical exercise. But perhaps it's at the root of why I have had a block recently in my ability to write anything.

Dani holding my nephew, Gunnar
(Rebecca confirmed for me what I was thinking -- that I don't get enough pictures of Dani on this blog. She shuns the camera for the most part, but every now and then, I get a good one.)

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a twitter chat with several folks (using hashtag #nfptalk) when I realized there are a few posts left unwritten with regard to NFP as far as I am concerned and I'd like to share that. But, the concepts remain spread out all over my brain with no order to them, so they remain unwritten. 

Sometimes a little blog break is necessary. I think I've come to accept that this blog, while read by a decent-sized audience, will probably never be like some of the blogs I really admire (Conversion Diary, Moxie Wife, Camp Patton, Shoved to Them, to name a few). So, it's really not that big a deal if I go a few weeks with little to no action around here.

I do want a new design though. About two weeks before we lost Gregory, I had reached out to Kelsey about that, but then everything happened and it completely fell off the radar. So, while I'm at it -- anyone have any opinions on Blogger vs. WordPress? Or Design recommendations? And...I'd really love to figure out how to do it myself instead of paying someone, but when I tried that before, I realized it was NOT my strong suit. :)

Okay...time to end the rambling. This post is all over the place!! Perhaps I'll be back on my game and you'll get some Mumbles out of me this week. :)


  1. Not much to say, just that I get the whole difficulty with writing lately, I've been struggling to put together all the jumbled thoughts in my head too. Also, I have noticed that I don't seem to get nearly as many pictures of my second born, I wonder if it's a second born thing. :)

  2. I can give you a tutorial on how to make your own header if you are interested.

  3. It's always good to hear from you, but I definitely understand the need for a break. I've been known to sit at the blank screen when I feel like I really have something to say, but don't know what it is.

    Maybe I should know this, but what is a PR?

  4. God job on the half! I always take a week off after :-)


Thank you for reading. I enjoy reading other perspectives, please feel free to share yours. :)